Pain seems to be a visitor we are all, whether willing or not, visited by. And not just once. Frequent. Random. Annoyingly persistent.
Is it just me? I have wondered that…….
I doubt it.
So in the last year of my life, there is an ache in my chest; that, when given an ounce of my attention, causes tears to stream out of my eyes instantly.
Is it grief? I suppose. I have lost a great deal this year.
And don’t get me wrong; I have also found a great deal. But interestingly and surprisingly, the finding doesn’t cancel out the loss. Instead, it’s Both. Its And.
Both grief And joy. Both lost And found.
Am I willing for that to be true? Yes. But honestly, that’s mostly because I’m beginning to realize that healing can be painful AF.
If I want to truly and deeply heal, I have to be willing for it to hurt, sometimes.
Now, about pain.
The very interesting realization I’ve had about the pain that I feel persistently aching away in my chest, is that it makes me feel like a failure.
I feel like a failure because I keep being told that happiness is a choice. AND IT IS. I believe and experience that. I live by that mantra. I drill it into my children’s daily awareness, as well as my own.
AND. And I’m also aching from all the change and loss and upheaval and crisis from my last year; well, last many years if I’m being honest.
So does having pain and grief in my heart and mind make me a failure?
Nah.
Pain, it’s okay. Especially when I’m in a state of conscious compassion and love for myself.
But I really suffer when I subconsciously begin to believe that because I am in pain, I must somehow be doing something wrong.
I’m beginning to let that subconscious message that pain=failure, come into my conscious awareness. (That’s another important point about healing: we have to become conscious of the suffering. Or it will remain hidden and active.)
There’s a list I go through frequently in my head: Am I not being positive enough? Am I weak? Am I not doing enough in my life? Am I broken somehow; unfixable? Did I just make too many mistakes and screw everything up and now I will suffer in pain because of it? Am I lazy? Am I unworthy? Am I not working hard enough? Do I just deserve pain?
My higher self; my soul; which are an expression of Divine love; they say no. No to all of those things.
Compassion means that my pain is allowed. And right now, it’s even necessary.
And discipline means that I must stay aware of all of the deeply held subconscious beliefs that are still active.
Awareness. Compassion. Discipline.
These three things I know.
Check back with the Thought Refuge to read more about my journey into Awareness, Compassion, and Discipline. I will begin to share my personal life stories that have lead me into these three sacred practices.
And I encourage you to comment, share, and interact with my stories.
The Thought Refuge is a place where our raw honesty, pain, joy, openness and safe sharing are encouraged. Let’s all keep it Aware, Compassionate, and Disciplined.
ALL ARE WELCOME HERE, regardless of religious affiliation, skin color, sexual preference, gender identity, nationality or any other designation.