I’m probably the iconic picture of making shit happen. When I set my mind to something, there isn’t much that will stop me from reaching the goal. I have not been one to stand still while things happen around me…..or never happen at all.
A month ago, the kids and I were out playing in the 89 billion feet of snow that fell here. They played around for a bit, then began to drone about their boredom. I was like NOPE, what we obviously need to do is make a sledding hill down our deck stairs, and make a snow track that will turn your sleds away from the direction of the fence, so that you still have pretty faces when we’re finished sledding.
And so I went to work shoveling and sculpting. That’s right, I’m a snow sculptor.
And when I sit down in the living room to read, and I look around, I sometimes think to myself, NOPE. This is all wrong. So I move this wardrobe over there, and this couch to that other room. And this table here, and this couch over there. Yep, that’s better. Till next time, anyway.
Sometimes when I go to a neighbors’ house for dinner, and they mention that their water softener hasn’t been working in forever, I say “let’s go fix it, guys!” So my neighbor, Justin, and me; we all take turns breaking up the salt dam, shoveling salt out, and reading the manual. (okay, Justin gets most credit here; that salt dam was like a rock and I was totally useless in trying to break it up.) (BTW, neighbor – is the water softener working???? We didn’t really *finish* that project.)
So, that’s pretty much been my approach to life. I don’t like to see a problem left unsolved or a project left unaccomplished. By me, preferably.
But, with the big stuff, like trying to find the right location to raise a family, or what job would work well with my parenting goals, or what school (if any) our kids should go to, or how to help Justin into his dream job (roasting coffee)………..making shit happen has totally and completely backfired.
Whether immediately or further down the road, when I’ve tried to make things happen in these larger arenas…….they are unsustainable.
I mean, at first, it all seems like a great idea. And I’m “good” at making those things happen. That’s why my kids have gone to like 43 different schools, lived in 7 homes in their lives, in 5 different cities in two different states. It’s why Justin tried for several years to get his own businesses going. I have good intentions. I want the best for all of us. I’ve read all the memes about knowing what you want and going after it……….
Here are my two observations about grinding and forcing and clawing my way to my dreams:
Number one: I am freakin exhausted. Worn out. Spent. It turns out that I burned a lot of energy and creativity and emotions trying to make things happen. There’s lots of friction on that road.
Number two: I didn’t enjoy the journey. Not really. It was not peaceful. I mean, there was an element of excitement because of the adrenaline ride that “creating change” can give you. But really, I was always trying to get somewhere else.
I was not present to my life. And without presence, there is no peace or a deep sense of yes. There is just short-lived excitement, and a belief that “once I get there, I will (fill in the blank): be happy, have money, have a happy husband, have happy kids, go on more hikes, be in better shape, have better friends, have family around, enjoy eating kale……..etc.
But see? My contentedness was always over there.
And so, I stopped.
About a year ago, I quit everything. We were renting a house at that point, and in need of a permanent situation. And it was the last bit of grind I had left in me. We hunted for houses, put our bids in with the 37 others, and finally won a contract. And when we signed those closing papers, Justin and I agreed: No More. We are tired. No more moving. No more school changes. No more career changes. No more striving.
FOR GOD SAKES, NO MORE.
And our poor kids made us promise: we will stay in this house, in this town, in this state, at these schools, until you graduate.
And we became still.
Justin went to work every day. I cared for the kids, taxied them to and fro. I built my website. Paid the bills. Got the groceries. Cooked the food. We lived our daily lives; but in a new way. We stopped asking “what’s next”. Instead, we did only what was in front of us. No more trying to make any shit happen that wasn’t already right here.
A few times, I felt lonely.
That’s a lie.
I felt a loneliness so deep and wide and vast that I felt it might swallow me whole. For months and months and months I wondered if I’d ever feel okay again.
We were, after all, in a new city and state. I wanted friends. I wanted a job that fit our family’s newfound commitment to live presently and more gently. I wanted to be near extended family. I wanted Justin to be a full-time coffee roaster so we could both work from home and be more flexible.
I wanted the things. Again. All those things.
And so each time I felt that ocean of loneliness inviting me to apply for some random job on Craigslist because I was bored and lonely and felt worthless………………I resisted.
Instead, I often did nothing.
In fact, I often do nothing. It feels wrong sometimes, but I am accepting that, too. And I am trying something new.
To BE on the journey. You know? Like, not just be on the journey because the train goes to PerfectJobVille and that’s where I want to be.
No.
To BE on the train, trusting that along the way, those things that I want will be waiting for me at certain points. And that I don’t always know WHEN and WHO and HOW and WHERE. But I trust that they are out there, waiting. And that I will know when we meet, because I’ve been WAITING and STILL and WATCHFUL.
Because I remember the desperation. And I remember that the desperation kept bringing me into desperate situations, attracting desperate people, and leaving me aching evermore for that perfect thing that would be perfect, that was inevitably never perfect.
So, it works, by the way.
To be still and wait and not claw and grasp for the things we think will fulfill us. But the tricky thing is that we have to first let go. Let go of what we think we need. Embrace the piercing loneliness. Accept and maybe even find enjoyment exactly as we are. Say, “It’s okay to be here. I am okay; I want for nothing.”
Then, just keep Being. And being Still.
And then, as you watch, there comes onto the train unexpected passengers.
For me, there have been lots of these passengers, lately. They have come in the form of neighbors becoming friends. And kids in swim lessons. And hours of cooking with Justin, enjoying the actual act of cooking, enjoying a glass of wine, and savoring the meal and the conversation. As slowly as we can.
And experiencing a re-invigoration of my desire to work with children. And realizing that writing is pleasurable for me. And so is raking leaves. And so are each of my children; so funny, energizing and beautiful they are!!
Oh! And just when you least expect anything else, a friend tells you that there is this job opening and you’d be a good fit. And you take the job. And suddenly, you are coaching children’s gymnastics for the local rec program; AND IT’S A GOOD FIT for your family and your personal and parenting goals.
WOW!
So, when things feel like they are filled with friction and desperation: Stop. Be still. Let go. Wait. The train that you are on is ever moving you through your life; enjoy the moment, BE in the moment, and watch for the things. They come when they are supposed to.
In the words of Eckhart Tolle: “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it.”